dumplings on my desk

好像很久沒感冒過，所以不習慣得有點辛苦。

最近做了些什麼建設性的東西我也想不起。

其實已經差不多要回去了。有點失落。

and then i'll have to go on a strict diet again =____=

他們好像沒事了。

我好像做對了一件事。希望是解決了吧。

真的，我只是本著好奇和關心的讀了她的blog。她說對她而言派對已結束；她說她寧願放棄。
然後我發現我自己其實也殘忍得很。當初她有她的錯，她有她的選擇和自由，我忽然感到自己太不近人情。為什麼我當時就不能好好瞭解、接受、給予幫助？令我更羞愧的是，在這一年幾間，在外國我面對過更多個性差的人，和別人正面吵架我也嘗試過，但我竟可以幾天後和他們重修舊好。
為何偏偏這個我卻做不到？一步也踏不出？甚至要製造籍口令自己好受？
而且最近的事也讓我開始更加了解她感受。那種置身其中的感受。不是說自私的不選擇和別人說，而是羞怯、懼怕，不知道如何說起。還有會怕沒人理會沒人明白。因為始終有些人可以永遠住在泡泡之中，我都不想去破壞他們對我、甚至是世界的形象。還有是不想打擾他們了。所以有要將一切當作成秘密，自己的心情要收至最深的地方。說不出口—原來是如此的想法令人滯留。
開始覺得自己好矛盾好奸猾好懦弱好沒誠信。人情味一點都沒有。
既然在外國我可以和不怎麼喜歡的人打交道，既然我可以在六年後和小學時期最好的朋友再聊天，為何這個我做不來？怎麼就是沒膽去踏出第一步？
最近的一年，最近的事情都令我看這世界看得更清楚。要向後踏一步再想清方向不難。哪邊對哪邊錯並不絕對，始終都有灰色地帶存在。只是我們往往一開始被自己的想法帶走。

---

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! ^____^

我要做一個有影響力的人。告訴別人什麼或許是對或許是錯，我要糾正錯誤的想法。
我想看見一個更美好的世界，我要看見大家的微笑。

冷戰

我想我怎麼都不能習慣家中這種冷漠的感覺。當然我也不會想要習慣。
感覺是好像幸福的氣泡在高空破滅。有很多—太多—感受一直被藏於心底，然後太努力裝傻裝無所謂，最後就帶來這結局。

對不起我並不想插進你們的當中。我知道這樣沒用，但我真的很難受很難過卻不想你們理會我心情。我明白，多一個人開口，換來可以是更大的打擊。
你要說我懦弱我都沒所謂。你說我逃避我不可能否認。

其實你們這樣，我會不知所措。之前擁有的計劃，我也不知該不該放棄。
不想在這兒；如果每天要生活在謊言中，或是要面對如現在的無言，我寧可走。
想在這兒；我走了你們就變這樣，那不是代表我更加要留下嗎？

我對聖誕的回來感到徬徨。我不清楚我在這裡其實是在做什麼。

what should one do when the rest of the family is in a fight?

YOU ASSHOLE!

I OFFIFICIALLY GIVE UP. DON'T EVEN BOTHER TALKING TO ME AGAIN.

niga mibda!

I hate you!

or not...

Can't you just freaking tell me what's happening?

damn it

why do i keep running back and forth? i'm still holding on to the faith that you are not lying.

but you're just a kid. you're good with lying. you're good at playing around with my emotions.

damn it!

why!

AHHH

Honestly, I don't know why I like you.
Honestly, I don't understand why I always end up believing you, no matter how unconvincing your words can be.
Honestly, I don't get why I try to interpret your words and action into something more, even though you wouldn't be that mature enough to put meanings in what you do.

I think I'm out of my mind.

I know I can't go on this way. So I'm setting a deadline - tomorrow, if you're not going to do anything, I'll just move on.

I can't bear wasting my time on being confused by you.

connection

When my favorite teacher was giving a revision section that is especially for me only. For a second, I saw grandfather standing in front of me, talking about physics with that childish smile.

I can’t remember when I started to think that grandpa must have been really good-looking and charming when he was young. Don’t you just get that feeling whenever you see him? Admired by girls around but still walking towards something, eyes locked on what’s ahead of him. Sometimes I can picture him as a soldier, the type that would march along the street and people would clap and shout for him. And he would remain his coolness while marching.

Last time I saw him crying, which was also the first time ever I saw him crying, I was so shell shocked. Surely, from time to time I could see the worries all written on his face (especially when grandma cried and he just sat next to her speechlessly). But as I had always thought that he is the certain person who would never convey his emotion outward, I was just overwhelmed by the fact that he cried right in front of me. It must have been a tremendously meaningful thing that made him that upset.
And it was because of my departure.

One moment he was wishing me good luck, telling me not to misbehave in the ‘foreign country that is full of danger’, the next second his eyes reddened and his voice gradually grew bizarre. Tears started to slide down his wrinkled face. After being surprised by this, I suddenly realized how small his body is comparing to mine. All these years he gave me a picture of a strong person standing beside grandma, supporting her. At that instant everything crashed down. I can’t even imagine all the weight that he had carried on his shoulders. His sons and daughters, his wife, his grandchildren are the only important things that involve in his life now. Life is like a routine to him every day, and maybe whenever he’s doing things that he usually does, he’s thinking about these people in his mind. How is my son doing in Mainland now? How’s my granddaughter(s) in other countries doing now? How’s my wife doing in the hospital now? And maybe he never question about himself.

How lonely he has been feeling.

Sometimes at night, I think of him. In the past, when I thought of him, the image of his bony hand holding mine always appeared. Now it’s just the memory of him lowering his head, shivering and barely speaking with that shaking voice.

Sometimes I wonder where this special closeness I feel comes from. Mom said it’s probably because he took care of me when I was just a year old. Even though I can’t recall that anymore, it might have been the reason.

Or maybe it’s just the fact that he’s my grandfather, the one I admire the most.

tainted

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round in the circle game

我沖回房間，關上門，關上燈，橫躺在這床上，閉上嘴讓眼淚不停的流。
現在大概明白到，那種想回家的慾望其實並不真實。我還沒有以最坦誠的態度面對自己的思想。

我想要的是回到從前。當我未認識到殘酷、諷刺、傷感、苦澀時。當我還是可以嘻嘻哈哈萬無目的胡裡胡塗的天真渡過每天。
我想躺在媽媽的懷中，聽她唱joni mitchell的circle game，然後有一句沒一句的跟著她哼。
我想睡覺前，爸爸站在床邊，唱著我挑選的那些藝術歌曲，想象著歌詞中的故事。
我甚至想公公婆婆坐在沙發上，興奮的隨著我唱的兒歌拍著手。

究竟那些日子溜到哪裡去了？

媽媽大概現在天天辛苦的工作，偶爾發脾氣、偶爾握著電話腫著眼的哭、偶爾生病了拉過窗簾躲於床中睡。
爸爸大概現在天天面對電腦，為將來迷惘著。一邊找工作，一邊想著有什麼新念頭讓他可以自己創業。
公公婆婆大概現在天天到聯邦吃個早飯，到家旁的公園走個圈，回家扭開電視看個新聞。還有每逢星期天到翡翠和女兒、女兒丈夫和孫子吃個上海晚飯。

一切一切的幻想都每日在我腦海播放。每個人都努力的生活著，接著有些時候就期待著我回家。

我不想自己成為他們心中如斯的存在。我不想當個負擔，即使我知道他們不會認同這個詞語。

弟弟現在於私校上學，學費十分貴。爸爸還是失業。媽成了支柱。
而我竟還在想上大學的事。以國際學生的身份上大學。始終需要太多金錢了。
其實可能在香港的大學讀書我也沒所謂。永遠的朝太大太遙遠的目標向前衝，可能只會傷到別人。
平平淡淡的渡過大學生活，至少不會加重別人肩上的重量。然後才有點野心的走出香港發展。讓所有東西都定下來才踏出去。

心中真的是這麼想的。但我需要勇氣去這樣做。
暫時都是埋在心坎中。努力。為一切而努力。
要再次找到從前每一個人的純潔笑容。包括我的。

So the years spin by and now the boy is 20
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
They'll be new dreams maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through

Leaving the world behind me

Seeing him crying like a baby breaks my heart; listening to her talking about her dad with that shaking voice brings tears into my eyes. Why do people have to behave in such an unbelievable (and disgusting) self-centered manner? Where is the kindness deep within everyone’s heart? Now I don’t see why I can trust anyone, because everyone seems to hold a plan behind their backs.

The more I see, the more I’m disappointed with this world. Where did all those ‘fairy tales’ in younger days go? Sometimes I imagine if everyone just does one single good thing to anyone, the world would’ve been so peaceful and easy to live in. I wish people can think more about the others before taking their actions to bring benefits for themselves.

How can they possibly ignore the feelings of the others? Don’t they even have a tiny bit of guilt when people around them are wounded? I can never stand that. I can’t bear the sight of them trying to hide their emotions, pretending to be strong while deep inside they are so hurt that they may not ever be healed again. I still don’t understand why some people take personal benefit so seriously. Money, cars, clothes and all those materialistic are something you cannot hold on to. They don’t value much in our lives, if you think about it. But the joy, the surprises, the satisfaction make up our lives. All the emotions that can be supplied by non-materialistic things complete us. I don’t get why people still bother making up plans and everything just so at the end they get those fake ‘happiness’.

I just wish everyone can step behind and look how badly damaged the people around are.

aim higher, then higher and higher

so it's proven that i'm right. faith is the motivation.

nervousness

While I was passing across the main school from the library, when the darkness had filled up the skies with mystery, I had a sudden and tremendous urge to crouch down and cry. Of course I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. I always have to suppress my emotions in such sudden situations. Similarly I had this moment of almost panicking when I was joking around with my friend in physics lesson today.

I’ve been counting, and I start to find the numbers of my breakdown (potential and real) a bit haunting lately. I don’t even know why I’m like this. I suppose today I was so emotionally unstable because tomorrow I am going to get my SAT results back.

People keep saying ‘It’s okay’, ‘It’s going to be fine’, ‘Don’t worry’, ‘It’s alright if it goes wrong’, etc. I appreciate the comfort they want to supply, but I know it’s not ‘okay’, that I cannot sweep away my ‘worry’, and that it is not ‘alright’ if it ‘goes wrong’. Certainly my life doesn’t depend on this, if I have to think awfully optimistically. But the truth is, this means a lot to me. It means so much to me yet I cannot explain why.

If it’s not good enough, I would feel like I’ve screwed everything up. It seems that my mind automatically erase any enjoyable time I had at the moment I begin to feel bad.

Right now I just want to be on my own. No speaking. I need a corner for me to hug myself. If better, enclose me in a small box and let me be there for a while. Just long enough for me to stop shivering. I don’t need anyone’s comfort. I just need to stay alone, not thinking much but only releasing my emotions.

I want to go back home. School is exceptionally suffocating.

hito wa hito jibun wa jibun (um i wish i could type jap too...)

Where does the truth lies? I wish I could be an insider and understand what this was all about. At this moment, I think that signs are not signs. They make the vision vague.

Stop me from thinking about this too much, my mood shouldn't be depending on this. ARGH.

I want to have a dream tonight. I want to recieve offers now. I want to lose weight. I want to work hard, with a purpose. I want to better myself.

Running after the shooting stars

Sometimes I am scared that the feeling I have got comes from the fact that I just can’t accept the reality. ‘I can’t believe in this or this will really become reality’, this is probably the thing I’ve been telling myself. Maybe this is me escaping from what I never want to happen. Maybe this is the easiest way to face a sudden and painful change, believing that it will soon be back to normal, to what I am used to.

But don’t we have to keep the faith all the time? Once we stop having the faith, we stop doing things to make something happen. And we will even lose the opportunity to get what we want back.

Is there a certain fixed time that we may just have to let go and move on? When is the right time? How long does it take for one to acknowledge whether a wish will come true or not? Will there be a sign waiting to tell me I don’t have to dream anymore or to unravel the clothe covering my eyes?

I can’t take this too long. My strongly beating heart has broken into pieces.

don't wake me up from this...

it's 1.46 am right now and some random people must still be celebrating halloween out there because i can hear them yelling and fireworks 'popping'. actually, the guys below our floor are probably still awake as i hear their loud dance music (just like every single day...)

i didn't really know that this night was going to make me think so much.

halloween. to be honest, it's just another excuse for the westerners to go out with friends and get wasted. or maybe it's also created for the kids too. but i don't care. anyway, as we were walking towards the mall, i remembered what i used to do in halloween in the past.
i don't even recall how the tradition of us playing 'trick or treat' started. somehow it became a certain event for all of us. even when we became older and went to different schools, we still called others out for this. i wonder if they still do it now when i'm gone. probably not. and i wonder how tall and mature the kids are now. i don't get to see them that much these days.
it's funny how people change. and it's bittersweet to see people who used to be close to you becoming someone you can't quite understand.
but that's a part of life.

and when the fireworks were almost done, i nearly cried. all of a sudden. maybe it was that certain firework that looked like a golden bridge, i don't know. somehow i was pondering if it could lead me toward the sky and see from high above.
'hey, would you take me far away from my world?'
if only it was that easy to escape from here.
well i realized at that point of how much i didn't want to leave here, and how much i didn't want to move on. not only going back to school, or going into university. but also growing up, and becoming more suitable in this society.
the society creates/shapes our personalities. the individuality i've been developing is slowly wearing me away. i don't want to lose my originality. i cannot let it fade away. though so far from what i know about myself, it's possibly being forced to be hidden. i know i can't blame the society/circle i'm in, but i really wish i wasn't being manipulated by these people.

i really really don't want to go. i don't want to be cut off from this warm little group of people and carry on to crawl on this path. i'm so unsure of things that i'm shaking.
in this place, i didn't feel lonely for a second. not even when i'm physically alone in my room. the love and care they've given me during these 16 days provided me the strength for me to get myself together and stand concrete once again. i don't know if i'll be walking steady when i go back. i don't know if i'm going to feel lonely in certain nights.
i know i can't stay here forever. i know i need to move on.

time to move my lazy feet and step forward now. i hope the fireworks lighted up my spirit.

i'm going to miss our skype time :((((

最後一天

so this is the last day...
i don't want to go back. can't believe i'm even saying this. i wasn't like that in those half term breaks i had before. maybe it's the stress and social life back in school that make me nervous right now.

7 days later, i'll be sitting SATs. arghhhh.
future is so difficult for me to hold on tight. i really don't know what i should be doing. and i know i've been avoiding questions and stuff. probably because deep down inside, i don't really want all this to happen so quick. probably because i don't want these 2 years to end in just a blink of second.

sometimes i feel like i've done what i could do, but somehow things just can't turn out as the way i wish it to be. maybe i didn't try my best. but isn't it reasonable that i can be tired sometimes? that i don't want to make an effort to contrible in this so called social circle? i can't do it on my own.

i've been feeling that i'm left alone. i know they didn't want me to feel this way and i don't blame them. not asking them to make an effort right now, because i don't want to be too demanding. but only one single sentence from them can make my day. i wish they knew.

it's the last day. i can't imagine what's it going to be like in the following months...

what time is it now?

This kid is really cute and all he needs is someone who cares him, just like any other kids. I sympathise him. An adorable kid like him shouldn't be treated this way.
Sometimes I really want to be his sister and take good care of him. I don't want him to go astray when nobody's watching (which happens all the time, right?).

I dreamt again during the afternoon nap. And in the dream I once again had a boyfriend.... Dammit!

Counting down the days: 4

短篇

我發現最近的夢中，我都有個男友...

am i that insecure? am i that desperate? T___T

to dream of a dream

Twitter trending topic.
#whenwewereyoung.

For some reason, I don't think about the past as much as I did anymore. I remember those time when I fell into depression when I reminisced.

Last time I read my diary, I found this line that I wrote at the end of last school year - 'I'm too scared to compare, so there's no reason to be nostalgic anymore'.
What if the present isn't as good as the past? What if I regret what I had done? What if I lose the motivation? I don't want to be lost and confused. Sometimes I wonder why I am fighting for my future. Sometimes I wonder whether I would still survive if I just choose for whatever I want when choices are right in front of me. If I just choose without thinking, if I just choose without being too careful.

Is this normal? Is this a part of 'growing up'? I think it's just like how they call damping in physics. Instead of speed, I'm losing something along this path I'm walking on. And this something, I can't seem to figure out what it is. Energy? Passion? Excitement for what's ahead of me?

At some point I'm shit scared of growing up, at some point I just can't be more desperate to grow up and transform into a person I want to be. I know some people say 'come what may'. I tried to be like that, but I just can't.

These days I'm quite obsessed with stuff related to defining dreams. I searched about various things that I remember in different dreams I had recently. It was quite freaky when they all lead to similar definitions. It's mostly about nurturing my character and developing individuality. Is this a coincidence or something else?!

insecurity, desperation, major setbacks in achieving your goals, recognising and developing your self-identity...

untitled

natalie.
i feel terrible.

i freaked out. i don't even know why. and when you told me you felt bad after saying something bad to her, i had a complex feeling. i was relieved, of course, but was that also jealousy that i felt? sometimes i don't get myself. it was me who pushed you away; it was me that was so determined, saying 'i don't like you'. there i go again with my twisted mind.

there is truly something wrong with me.

on the other side, i was so furious about you a week ago. there was no way for me to forgive you as you did something terrible as a joke on my 18th birthday. it was nothing funny at all. i did my best to act tough and cool, because things that you did could not be easily forgiven. but when you came back to me and explained it, i fell for you again. in the corner of my mind, i knew that you could've been lying, hiding the lie between the lines. but it was so easy to believe in you. it was as if i wanted to trust you at the first place, even if there was no serious excuse.
why do i always go back and forth?

highlights of today: nice dimsum at lunch (奶皇包!!), view from belfast castle, a newcomer to distract ming from annoying me, bailey's cheesecake

lows: being way too full, too windy hence forced to stay at the castle place for less than 20 mins, 2 pieces of cheesecake...