connection

When my favorite teacher was giving a revision section that is especially for me only. For a second, I saw grandfather standing in front of me, talking about physics with that childish smile.

I can’t remember when I started to think that grandpa must have been really good-looking and charming when he was young. Don’t you just get that feeling whenever you see him? Admired by girls around but still walking towards something, eyes locked on what’s ahead of him. Sometimes I can picture him as a soldier, the type that would march along the street and people would clap and shout for him. And he would remain his coolness while marching.

Last time I saw him crying, which was also the first time ever I saw him crying, I was so shell shocked. Surely, from time to time I could see the worries all written on his face (especially when grandma cried and he just sat next to her speechlessly). But as I had always thought that he is the certain person who would never convey his emotion outward, I was just overwhelmed by the fact that he cried right in front of me. It must have been a tremendously meaningful thing that made him that upset.
And it was because of my departure.

One moment he was wishing me good luck, telling me not to misbehave in the ‘foreign country that is full of danger’, the next second his eyes reddened and his voice gradually grew bizarre. Tears started to slide down his wrinkled face. After being surprised by this, I suddenly realized how small his body is comparing to mine. All these years he gave me a picture of a strong person standing beside grandma, supporting her. At that instant everything crashed down. I can’t even imagine all the weight that he had carried on his shoulders. His sons and daughters, his wife, his grandchildren are the only important things that involve in his life now. Life is like a routine to him every day, and maybe whenever he’s doing things that he usually does, he’s thinking about these people in his mind. How is my son doing in Mainland now? How’s my granddaughter(s) in other countries doing now? How’s my wife doing in the hospital now? And maybe he never question about himself.

How lonely he has been feeling.

Sometimes at night, I think of him. In the past, when I thought of him, the image of his bony hand holding mine always appeared. Now it’s just the memory of him lowering his head, shivering and barely speaking with that shaking voice.

Sometimes I wonder where this special closeness I feel comes from. Mom said it’s probably because he took care of me when I was just a year old. Even though I can’t recall that anymore, it might have been the reason.

Or maybe it’s just the fact that he’s my grandfather, the one I admire the most.