好像很久沒感冒過，所以不習慣得有點辛苦。
最近做了些什麼建設性的東西我也想不起。
其實已經差不多要回去了。有點失落。
and then i'll have to go on a strict diet again =____=
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Thursday, 24 December 2009
他們好像沒事了。
我好像做對了一件事。希望是解決了吧。
真的，我只是本著好奇和關心的讀了她的blog。她說對她而言派對已結束；她說她寧願放棄。
然後我發現我自己其實也殘忍得很。當初她有她的錯，她有她的選擇和自由，我忽然感到自己太不近人情。為什麼我當時就不能好好瞭解、接受、給予幫助？令我更羞愧的是，在這一年幾間，在外國我面對過更多個性差的人，和別人正面吵架我也嘗試過，但我竟可以幾天後和他們重修舊好。
為何偏偏這個我卻做不到？一步也踏不出？甚至要製造籍口令自己好受？
而且最近的事也讓我開始更加了解她感受。那種置身其中的感受。不是說自私的不選擇和別人說，而是羞怯、懼怕，不知道如何說起。還有會怕沒人理會沒人明白。因為始終有些人可以永遠住在泡泡之中，我都不想去破壞他們對我、甚至是世界的形象。還有是不想打擾他們了。所以有要將一切當作成秘密，自己的心情要收至最深的地方。說不出口—原來是如此的想法令人滯留。
開始覺得自己好矛盾好奸猾好懦弱好沒誠信。人情味一點都沒有。
既然在外國我可以和不怎麼喜歡的人打交道，既然我可以在六年後和小學時期最好的朋友再聊天，為何這個我做不來？怎麼就是沒膽去踏出第一步？
最近的一年，最近的事情都令我看這世界看得更清楚。要向後踏一步再想清方向不難。哪邊對哪邊錯並不絕對，始終都有灰色地帶存在。只是我們往往一開始被自己的想法帶走。
MERRY CHRISTMAS!! ^____^
我要做一個有影響力的人。告訴別人什麼或許是對或許是錯，我要糾正錯誤的想法。
我想看見一個更美好的世界，我要看見大家的微笑。
真的，我只是本著好奇和關心的讀了她的blog。她說對她而言派對已結束；她說她寧願放棄。
然後我發現我自己其實也殘忍得很。當初她有她的錯，她有她的選擇和自由，我忽然感到自己太不近人情。為什麼我當時就不能好好瞭解、接受、給予幫助？令我更羞愧的是，在這一年幾間，在外國我面對過更多個性差的人，和別人正面吵架我也嘗試過，但我竟可以幾天後和他們重修舊好。
為何偏偏這個我卻做不到？一步也踏不出？甚至要製造籍口令自己好受？
而且最近的事也讓我開始更加了解她感受。那種置身其中的感受。不是說自私的不選擇和別人說，而是羞怯、懼怕，不知道如何說起。還有會怕沒人理會沒人明白。因為始終有些人可以永遠住在泡泡之中，我都不想去破壞他們對我、甚至是世界的形象。還有是不想打擾他們了。所以有要將一切當作成秘密，自己的心情要收至最深的地方。說不出口—原來是如此的想法令人滯留。
開始覺得自己好矛盾好奸猾好懦弱好沒誠信。人情味一點都沒有。
既然在外國我可以和不怎麼喜歡的人打交道，既然我可以在六年後和小學時期最好的朋友再聊天，為何這個我做不來？怎麼就是沒膽去踏出第一步？
最近的一年，最近的事情都令我看這世界看得更清楚。要向後踏一步再想清方向不難。哪邊對哪邊錯並不絕對，始終都有灰色地帶存在。只是我們往往一開始被自己的想法帶走。
MERRY CHRISTMAS!! ^____^
我要做一個有影響力的人。告訴別人什麼或許是對或許是錯，我要糾正錯誤的想法。
我想看見一個更美好的世界，我要看見大家的微笑。
Monday, 21 December 2009
冷戰
我想我怎麼都不能習慣家中這種冷漠的感覺。當然我也不會想要習慣。
感覺是好像幸福的氣泡在高空破滅。有很多—太多—感受一直被藏於心底，然後太努力裝傻裝無所謂，最後就帶來這結局。
對不起我並不想插進你們的當中。我知道這樣沒用，但我真的很難受很難過卻不想你們理會我心情。我明白，多一個人開口，換來可以是更大的打擊。
你要說我懦弱我都沒所謂。你說我逃避我不可能否認。
其實你們這樣，我會不知所措。之前擁有的計劃，我也不知該不該放棄。
不想在這兒；如果每天要生活在謊言中，或是要面對如現在的無言，我寧可走。
想在這兒；我走了你們就變這樣，那不是代表我更加要留下嗎？
我對聖誕的回來感到徬徨。我不清楚我在這裡其實是在做什麼。
what should one do when the rest of the family is in a fight?
感覺是好像幸福的氣泡在高空破滅。有很多—太多—感受一直被藏於心底，然後太努力裝傻裝無所謂，最後就帶來這結局。
對不起我並不想插進你們的當中。我知道這樣沒用，但我真的很難受很難過卻不想你們理會我心情。我明白，多一個人開口，換來可以是更大的打擊。
你要說我懦弱我都沒所謂。你說我逃避我不可能否認。
其實你們這樣，我會不知所措。之前擁有的計劃，我也不知該不該放棄。
不想在這兒；如果每天要生活在謊言中，或是要面對如現在的無言，我寧可走。
想在這兒；我走了你們就變這樣，那不是代表我更加要留下嗎？
我對聖誕的回來感到徬徨。我不清楚我在這裡其實是在做什麼。
what should one do when the rest of the family is in a fight?
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Monday, 7 December 2009
Sunday, 6 December 2009
damn it
why do i keep running back and forth? i'm still holding on to the faith that you are not lying.
but you're just a kid. you're good with lying. you're good at playing around with my emotions.
damn it!
why!
but you're just a kid. you're good with lying. you're good at playing around with my emotions.
damn it!
why!
Thursday, 3 December 2009
AHHH
Honestly, I don't know why I like you.
Honestly, I don't understand why I always end up believing you, no matter how unconvincing your words can be.
Honestly, I don't get why I try to interpret your words and action into something more, even though you wouldn't be that mature enough to put meanings in what you do.
I think I'm out of my mind.
I know I can't go on this way. So I'm setting a deadline - tomorrow, if you're not going to do anything, I'll just move on.
I can't bear wasting my time on being confused by you.
Honestly, I don't understand why I always end up believing you, no matter how unconvincing your words can be.
Honestly, I don't get why I try to interpret your words and action into something more, even though you wouldn't be that mature enough to put meanings in what you do.
I think I'm out of my mind.
I know I can't go on this way. So I'm setting a deadline - tomorrow, if you're not going to do anything, I'll just move on.
I can't bear wasting my time on being confused by you.
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
connection
When my favorite teacher was giving a revision section that is especially for me only. For a second, I saw grandfather standing in front of me, talking about physics with that childish smile.
I can’t remember when I started to think that grandpa must have been really good-looking and charming when he was young. Don’t you just get that feeling whenever you see him? Admired by girls around but still walking towards something, eyes locked on what’s ahead of him. Sometimes I can picture him as a soldier, the type that would march along the street and people would clap and shout for him. And he would remain his coolness while marching.
Last time I saw him crying, which was also the first time ever I saw him crying, I was so shell shocked. Surely, from time to time I could see the worries all written on his face (especially when grandma cried and he just sat next to her speechlessly). But as I had always thought that he is the certain person who would never convey his emotion outward, I was just overwhelmed by the fact that he cried right in front of me. It must have been a tremendously meaningful thing that made him that upset.
And it was because of my departure.
One moment he was wishing me good luck, telling me not to misbehave in the ‘foreign country that is full of danger’, the next second his eyes reddened and his voice gradually grew bizarre. Tears started to slide down his wrinkled face. After being surprised by this, I suddenly realized how small his body is comparing to mine. All these years he gave me a picture of a strong person standing beside grandma, supporting her. At that instant everything crashed down. I can’t even imagine all the weight that he had carried on his shoulders. His sons and daughters, his wife, his grandchildren are the only important things that involve in his life now. Life is like a routine to him every day, and maybe whenever he’s doing things that he usually does, he’s thinking about these people in his mind. How is my son doing in Mainland now? How’s my granddaughter(s) in other countries doing now? How’s my wife doing in the hospital now? And maybe he never question about himself.
How lonely he has been feeling.
Sometimes at night, I think of him. In the past, when I thought of him, the image of his bony hand holding mine always appeared. Now it’s just the memory of him lowering his head, shivering and barely speaking with that shaking voice.
Sometimes I wonder where this special closeness I feel comes from. Mom said it’s probably because he took care of me when I was just a year old. Even though I can’t recall that anymore, it might have been the reason.
Or maybe it’s just the fact that he’s my grandfather, the one I admire the most.
I can’t remember when I started to think that grandpa must have been really good-looking and charming when he was young. Don’t you just get that feeling whenever you see him? Admired by girls around but still walking towards something, eyes locked on what’s ahead of him. Sometimes I can picture him as a soldier, the type that would march along the street and people would clap and shout for him. And he would remain his coolness while marching.
Last time I saw him crying, which was also the first time ever I saw him crying, I was so shell shocked. Surely, from time to time I could see the worries all written on his face (especially when grandma cried and he just sat next to her speechlessly). But as I had always thought that he is the certain person who would never convey his emotion outward, I was just overwhelmed by the fact that he cried right in front of me. It must have been a tremendously meaningful thing that made him that upset.
And it was because of my departure.
One moment he was wishing me good luck, telling me not to misbehave in the ‘foreign country that is full of danger’, the next second his eyes reddened and his voice gradually grew bizarre. Tears started to slide down his wrinkled face. After being surprised by this, I suddenly realized how small his body is comparing to mine. All these years he gave me a picture of a strong person standing beside grandma, supporting her. At that instant everything crashed down. I can’t even imagine all the weight that he had carried on his shoulders. His sons and daughters, his wife, his grandchildren are the only important things that involve in his life now. Life is like a routine to him every day, and maybe whenever he’s doing things that he usually does, he’s thinking about these people in his mind. How is my son doing in Mainland now? How’s my granddaughter(s) in other countries doing now? How’s my wife doing in the hospital now? And maybe he never question about himself.
How lonely he has been feeling.
Sometimes at night, I think of him. In the past, when I thought of him, the image of his bony hand holding mine always appeared. Now it’s just the memory of him lowering his head, shivering and barely speaking with that shaking voice.
Sometimes I wonder where this special closeness I feel comes from. Mom said it’s probably because he took care of me when I was just a year old. Even though I can’t recall that anymore, it might have been the reason.
Or maybe it’s just the fact that he’s my grandfather, the one I admire the most.
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