最後一天

so this is the last day...
i don't want to go back. can't believe i'm even saying this. i wasn't like that in those half term breaks i had before. maybe it's the stress and social life back in school that make me nervous right now.

7 days later, i'll be sitting SATs. arghhhh.
future is so difficult for me to hold on tight. i really don't know what i should be doing. and i know i've been avoiding questions and stuff. probably because deep down inside, i don't really want all this to happen so quick. probably because i don't want these 2 years to end in just a blink of second.

sometimes i feel like i've done what i could do, but somehow things just can't turn out as the way i wish it to be. maybe i didn't try my best. but isn't it reasonable that i can be tired sometimes? that i don't want to make an effort to contrible in this so called social circle? i can't do it on my own.

i've been feeling that i'm left alone. i know they didn't want me to feel this way and i don't blame them. not asking them to make an effort right now, because i don't want to be too demanding. but only one single sentence from them can make my day. i wish they knew.

it's the last day. i can't imagine what's it going to be like in the following months...

what time is it now?

This kid is really cute and all he needs is someone who cares him, just like any other kids. I sympathise him. An adorable kid like him shouldn't be treated this way.
Sometimes I really want to be his sister and take good care of him. I don't want him to go astray when nobody's watching (which happens all the time, right?).

I dreamt again during the afternoon nap. And in the dream I once again had a boyfriend.... Dammit!

Counting down the days: 4

短篇

我發現最近的夢中，我都有個男友...

am i that insecure? am i that desperate? T___T

to dream of a dream

Twitter trending topic.
#whenwewereyoung.

For some reason, I don't think about the past as much as I did anymore. I remember those time when I fell into depression when I reminisced.

Last time I read my diary, I found this line that I wrote at the end of last school year - 'I'm too scared to compare, so there's no reason to be nostalgic anymore'.
What if the present isn't as good as the past? What if I regret what I had done? What if I lose the motivation? I don't want to be lost and confused. Sometimes I wonder why I am fighting for my future. Sometimes I wonder whether I would still survive if I just choose for whatever I want when choices are right in front of me. If I just choose without thinking, if I just choose without being too careful.

Is this normal? Is this a part of 'growing up'? I think it's just like how they call damping in physics. Instead of speed, I'm losing something along this path I'm walking on. And this something, I can't seem to figure out what it is. Energy? Passion? Excitement for what's ahead of me?

At some point I'm shit scared of growing up, at some point I just can't be more desperate to grow up and transform into a person I want to be. I know some people say 'come what may'. I tried to be like that, but I just can't.

These days I'm quite obsessed with stuff related to defining dreams. I searched about various things that I remember in different dreams I had recently. It was quite freaky when they all lead to similar definitions. It's mostly about nurturing my character and developing individuality. Is this a coincidence or something else?!

insecurity, desperation, major setbacks in achieving your goals, recognising and developing your self-identity...

untitled

natalie.
i feel terrible.

i freaked out. i don't even know why. and when you told me you felt bad after saying something bad to her, i had a complex feeling. i was relieved, of course, but was that also jealousy that i felt? sometimes i don't get myself. it was me who pushed you away; it was me that was so determined, saying 'i don't like you'. there i go again with my twisted mind.

there is truly something wrong with me.

on the other side, i was so furious about you a week ago. there was no way for me to forgive you as you did something terrible as a joke on my 18th birthday. it was nothing funny at all. i did my best to act tough and cool, because things that you did could not be easily forgiven. but when you came back to me and explained it, i fell for you again. in the corner of my mind, i knew that you could've been lying, hiding the lie between the lines. but it was so easy to believe in you. it was as if i wanted to trust you at the first place, even if there was no serious excuse.
why do i always go back and forth?

highlights of today: nice dimsum at lunch (奶皇包!!), view from belfast castle, a newcomer to distract ming from annoying me, bailey's cheesecake

lows: being way too full, too windy hence forced to stay at the castle place for less than 20 mins, 2 pieces of cheesecake...