While I was passing across the main school from the library, when the darkness had filled up the skies with mystery, I had a sudden and tremendous urge to crouch down and cry. Of course I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. I always have to suppress my emotions in such sudden situations. Similarly I had this moment of almost panicking when I was joking around with my friend in physics lesson today.
I’ve been counting, and I start to find the numbers of my breakdown (potential and real) a bit haunting lately. I don’t even know why I’m like this. I suppose today I was so emotionally unstable because tomorrow I am going to get my SAT results back.
People keep saying ‘It’s okay’, ‘It’s going to be fine’, ‘Don’t worry’, ‘It’s alright if it goes wrong’, etc. I appreciate the comfort they want to supply, but I know it’s not ‘okay’, that I cannot sweep away my ‘worry’, and that it is not ‘alright’ if it ‘goes wrong’. Certainly my life doesn’t depend on this, if I have to think awfully optimistically. But the truth is, this means a lot to me. It means so much to me yet I cannot explain why.
If it’s not good enough, I would feel like I’ve screwed everything up. It seems that my mind automatically erase any enjoyable time I had at the moment I begin to feel bad.
Right now I just want to be on my own. No speaking. I need a corner for me to hug myself. If better, enclose me in a small box and let me be there for a while. Just long enough for me to stop shivering. I don’t need anyone’s comfort. I just need to stay alone, not thinking much but only releasing my emotions.
I want to go back home. School is exceptionally suffocating.
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