don't wake me up from this...

it's 1.46 am right now and some random people must still be celebrating halloween out there because i can hear them yelling and fireworks 'popping'. actually, the guys below our floor are probably still awake as i hear their loud dance music (just like every single day...)

i didn't really know that this night was going to make me think so much.

halloween. to be honest, it's just another excuse for the westerners to go out with friends and get wasted. or maybe it's also created for the kids too. but i don't care. anyway, as we were walking towards the mall, i remembered what i used to do in halloween in the past.
i don't even recall how the tradition of us playing 'trick or treat' started. somehow it became a certain event for all of us. even when we became older and went to different schools, we still called others out for this. i wonder if they still do it now when i'm gone. probably not. and i wonder how tall and mature the kids are now. i don't get to see them that much these days.
it's funny how people change. and it's bittersweet to see people who used to be close to you becoming someone you can't quite understand.
but that's a part of life.

and when the fireworks were almost done, i nearly cried. all of a sudden. maybe it was that certain firework that looked like a golden bridge, i don't know. somehow i was pondering if it could lead me toward the sky and see from high above.
'hey, would you take me far away from my world?'
if only it was that easy to escape from here.
well i realized at that point of how much i didn't want to leave here, and how much i didn't want to move on. not only going back to school, or going into university. but also growing up, and becoming more suitable in this society.
the society creates/shapes our personalities. the individuality i've been developing is slowly wearing me away. i don't want to lose my originality. i cannot let it fade away. though so far from what i know about myself, it's possibly being forced to be hidden. i know i can't blame the society/circle i'm in, but i really wish i wasn't being manipulated by these people.

i really really don't want to go. i don't want to be cut off from this warm little group of people and carry on to crawl on this path. i'm so unsure of things that i'm shaking.
in this place, i didn't feel lonely for a second. not even when i'm physically alone in my room. the love and care they've given me during these 16 days provided me the strength for me to get myself together and stand concrete once again. i don't know if i'll be walking steady when i go back. i don't know if i'm going to feel lonely in certain nights.
i know i can't stay here forever. i know i need to move on.

time to move my lazy feet and step forward now. i hope the fireworks lighted up my spirit.

i'm going to miss our skype time :((((