tainted

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round in the circle game

我沖回房間，關上門，關上燈，橫躺在這床上，閉上嘴讓眼淚不停的流。
現在大概明白到，那種想回家的慾望其實並不真實。我還沒有以最坦誠的態度面對自己的思想。

我想要的是回到從前。當我未認識到殘酷、諷刺、傷感、苦澀時。當我還是可以嘻嘻哈哈萬無目的胡裡胡塗的天真渡過每天。
我想躺在媽媽的懷中，聽她唱joni mitchell的circle game，然後有一句沒一句的跟著她哼。
我想睡覺前，爸爸站在床邊，唱著我挑選的那些藝術歌曲，想象著歌詞中的故事。
我甚至想公公婆婆坐在沙發上，興奮的隨著我唱的兒歌拍著手。

究竟那些日子溜到哪裡去了？

媽媽大概現在天天辛苦的工作，偶爾發脾氣、偶爾握著電話腫著眼的哭、偶爾生病了拉過窗簾躲於床中睡。
爸爸大概現在天天面對電腦，為將來迷惘著。一邊找工作，一邊想著有什麼新念頭讓他可以自己創業。
公公婆婆大概現在天天到聯邦吃個早飯，到家旁的公園走個圈，回家扭開電視看個新聞。還有每逢星期天到翡翠和女兒、女兒丈夫和孫子吃個上海晚飯。

一切一切的幻想都每日在我腦海播放。每個人都努力的生活著，接著有些時候就期待著我回家。

我不想自己成為他們心中如斯的存在。我不想當個負擔，即使我知道他們不會認同這個詞語。

弟弟現在於私校上學，學費十分貴。爸爸還是失業。媽成了支柱。
而我竟還在想上大學的事。以國際學生的身份上大學。始終需要太多金錢了。
其實可能在香港的大學讀書我也沒所謂。永遠的朝太大太遙遠的目標向前衝，可能只會傷到別人。
平平淡淡的渡過大學生活，至少不會加重別人肩上的重量。然後才有點野心的走出香港發展。讓所有東西都定下來才踏出去。

心中真的是這麼想的。但我需要勇氣去這樣做。
暫時都是埋在心坎中。努力。為一切而努力。
要再次找到從前每一個人的純潔笑容。包括我的。

So the years spin by and now the boy is 20
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
They'll be new dreams maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through

Leaving the world behind me

Seeing him crying like a baby breaks my heart; listening to her talking about her dad with that shaking voice brings tears into my eyes. Why do people have to behave in such an unbelievable (and disgusting) self-centered manner? Where is the kindness deep within everyone’s heart? Now I don’t see why I can trust anyone, because everyone seems to hold a plan behind their backs.

The more I see, the more I’m disappointed with this world. Where did all those ‘fairy tales’ in younger days go? Sometimes I imagine if everyone just does one single good thing to anyone, the world would’ve been so peaceful and easy to live in. I wish people can think more about the others before taking their actions to bring benefits for themselves.

How can they possibly ignore the feelings of the others? Don’t they even have a tiny bit of guilt when people around them are wounded? I can never stand that. I can’t bear the sight of them trying to hide their emotions, pretending to be strong while deep inside they are so hurt that they may not ever be healed again. I still don’t understand why some people take personal benefit so seriously. Money, cars, clothes and all those materialistic are something you cannot hold on to. They don’t value much in our lives, if you think about it. But the joy, the surprises, the satisfaction make up our lives. All the emotions that can be supplied by non-materialistic things complete us. I don’t get why people still bother making up plans and everything just so at the end they get those fake ‘happiness’.

I just wish everyone can step behind and look how badly damaged the people around are.

aim higher, then higher and higher

so it's proven that i'm right. faith is the motivation.

nervousness

While I was passing across the main school from the library, when the darkness had filled up the skies with mystery, I had a sudden and tremendous urge to crouch down and cry. Of course I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. I always have to suppress my emotions in such sudden situations. Similarly I had this moment of almost panicking when I was joking around with my friend in physics lesson today.

I’ve been counting, and I start to find the numbers of my breakdown (potential and real) a bit haunting lately. I don’t even know why I’m like this. I suppose today I was so emotionally unstable because tomorrow I am going to get my SAT results back.

People keep saying ‘It’s okay’, ‘It’s going to be fine’, ‘Don’t worry’, ‘It’s alright if it goes wrong’, etc. I appreciate the comfort they want to supply, but I know it’s not ‘okay’, that I cannot sweep away my ‘worry’, and that it is not ‘alright’ if it ‘goes wrong’. Certainly my life doesn’t depend on this, if I have to think awfully optimistically. But the truth is, this means a lot to me. It means so much to me yet I cannot explain why.

If it’s not good enough, I would feel like I’ve screwed everything up. It seems that my mind automatically erase any enjoyable time I had at the moment I begin to feel bad.

Right now I just want to be on my own. No speaking. I need a corner for me to hug myself. If better, enclose me in a small box and let me be there for a while. Just long enough for me to stop shivering. I don’t need anyone’s comfort. I just need to stay alone, not thinking much but only releasing my emotions.

I want to go back home. School is exceptionally suffocating.

hito wa hito jibun wa jibun (um i wish i could type jap too...)

Where does the truth lies? I wish I could be an insider and understand what this was all about. At this moment, I think that signs are not signs. They make the vision vague.

Stop me from thinking about this too much, my mood shouldn't be depending on this. ARGH.

I want to have a dream tonight. I want to recieve offers now. I want to lose weight. I want to work hard, with a purpose. I want to better myself.

Running after the shooting stars

Sometimes I am scared that the feeling I have got comes from the fact that I just can’t accept the reality. ‘I can’t believe in this or this will really become reality’, this is probably the thing I’ve been telling myself. Maybe this is me escaping from what I never want to happen. Maybe this is the easiest way to face a sudden and painful change, believing that it will soon be back to normal, to what I am used to.

But don’t we have to keep the faith all the time? Once we stop having the faith, we stop doing things to make something happen. And we will even lose the opportunity to get what we want back.

Is there a certain fixed time that we may just have to let go and move on? When is the right time? How long does it take for one to acknowledge whether a wish will come true or not? Will there be a sign waiting to tell me I don’t have to dream anymore or to unravel the clothe covering my eyes?

I can’t take this too long. My strongly beating heart has broken into pieces.

don't wake me up from this...

it's 1.46 am right now and some random people must still be celebrating halloween out there because i can hear them yelling and fireworks 'popping'. actually, the guys below our floor are probably still awake as i hear their loud dance music (just like every single day...)

i didn't really know that this night was going to make me think so much.

halloween. to be honest, it's just another excuse for the westerners to go out with friends and get wasted. or maybe it's also created for the kids too. but i don't care. anyway, as we were walking towards the mall, i remembered what i used to do in halloween in the past.
i don't even recall how the tradition of us playing 'trick or treat' started. somehow it became a certain event for all of us. even when we became older and went to different schools, we still called others out for this. i wonder if they still do it now when i'm gone. probably not. and i wonder how tall and mature the kids are now. i don't get to see them that much these days.
it's funny how people change. and it's bittersweet to see people who used to be close to you becoming someone you can't quite understand.
but that's a part of life.

and when the fireworks were almost done, i nearly cried. all of a sudden. maybe it was that certain firework that looked like a golden bridge, i don't know. somehow i was pondering if it could lead me toward the sky and see from high above.
'hey, would you take me far away from my world?'
if only it was that easy to escape from here.
well i realized at that point of how much i didn't want to leave here, and how much i didn't want to move on. not only going back to school, or going into university. but also growing up, and becoming more suitable in this society.
the society creates/shapes our personalities. the individuality i've been developing is slowly wearing me away. i don't want to lose my originality. i cannot let it fade away. though so far from what i know about myself, it's possibly being forced to be hidden. i know i can't blame the society/circle i'm in, but i really wish i wasn't being manipulated by these people.

i really really don't want to go. i don't want to be cut off from this warm little group of people and carry on to crawl on this path. i'm so unsure of things that i'm shaking.
in this place, i didn't feel lonely for a second. not even when i'm physically alone in my room. the love and care they've given me during these 16 days provided me the strength for me to get myself together and stand concrete once again. i don't know if i'll be walking steady when i go back. i don't know if i'm going to feel lonely in certain nights.
i know i can't stay here forever. i know i need to move on.

time to move my lazy feet and step forward now. i hope the fireworks lighted up my spirit.

i'm going to miss our skype time :((((